tfw you get the feel

why is swag so much more hilarious when spelt with an e?? sweg

sw e g

sw egg

swegg…. sweg

I’ve.. .. I… ‘ve have… cracked THE CODE

Girl, are you a parking ticket? Because I would like to

AVOID YOU AT ALL COSTS

me as a doctor: gimme a sec i need to google up how to pronounce your condition goddamn this is hard

is it hot in here or is it just this inter-dimensional portal to hell that opened up under the coffee table

[how most teenagers talk to little kids]
kid: i'm gonna be the president when i grow up
teenager: yeah ok w/e kid keep dreamin
[how i talk to little kids]
kid: i'm gonna be the president when i grow up
me: ???reallyHOLY CRAP???? what's your platform going to be?? what is your stance on the current immigration laws?? who's your vice? omg can i be your vice??? i wanna be your vice, holy crap holy craap holy crow i am talking to the future POTUS this is real dealios here

i found an eyelash in my cinnamon bun and i just ate it without thinking. i feel revolting now, but also kind of invincible

stay in school, kids! even after you’ve graduated! the doors are locked, the windows are made of military-grade plexiglas. education is eternal. you’re here forever.

my smoke alarm keeps beeping so i’m pretending that a teeny bird lives inside my house. chirp chirp

[pets dog and ruffles neck fur] you’re so cute! adorable canine! [dog starts licking my face] no nononNONO I CHANGE MY MIND!!! GROS S DOG, DIS GUSTIGN